(no subject)
Feb. 14th, 2026 08:26 amHaven't been in the best of healths lately. Very tired, hence my lack of posting. Heck, just trying to write this post is proving more arduous than I'd like it to be.
Cognitively, it's been hard. Writing has been much harder than it used to be. I know it's all temporary and certainly an accumulation of irl stress + sleep schedule gone off the rails + menopause, but omg does it suck like you wouldn't believe. I barely write new things because it demands so much mental effort. Struggle to connect with my characters - and with myself. Proffessionnals keep trying to convince me I'm not autistic and I just feel so very alone in the world right now. It's the kind of loneliness that comes from just having to fight for your rights (not to party, no) and having next to no support - or feeling like you have none. Ultimately, it's my fight, but oh my good gods am I ever so exhausted of fighting.
My mind has circled back to how tired I am of life in general, but in the sense of being tired of how I have to live it. With this constant tiredness and now a depression seeping in and it feels like no amount of positive vibes in any sense will help me. I know that's just the depression talking. I also know this, too, shall pass. It's while it's here that i'm crawling up the walls and wanting to scream.
I've been trying to stay productive through it all though, with allowing myself rest days when needed. Adding to Toyhouse regularly, just updating profiles. Working on some big stories even if I'm not happy with what i'm writing, but I know I can add to the parts later, when I feel better. I also tried to start selling stories, I mean I'm at the executive dysfunction stage right now because it's all new and I'm plagued with the anxieties of "no one will care" and "it's not a good story anyway there's no plot" and "what if it falls outside the guidelines for kofi and patreon" and oh my gods almighty is it so easy to screw yourself over like that. I've still not finished posting everything beyond the three first chapters on my Neocities. The full story will be available eventually. I'm just crippled by anxiety.
I really think I don't realize sometimes how much I carry at any given time, nor quite how it affects me mentally. There's a reason I'm in burnout, and that it is an autistic/life burnout. Definitely need the irl stress over with, and that'll end one way or another in March/early April. I'm legit considering looking for a therapist specialized in autism just because of that lonely feeling. And, rationally, because it'd help my disability hearing. I already saw a psychiatrist who at the second meeting went "can't help you further", so yeah. Very alone. Always have been, but now at least I know who I am, and that i'm neurologically impaired (at times).
Anyway. We've got an electrician coming soon and husband is moving my stuff so need to cut this short <<
Cognitively, it's been hard. Writing has been much harder than it used to be. I know it's all temporary and certainly an accumulation of irl stress + sleep schedule gone off the rails + menopause, but omg does it suck like you wouldn't believe. I barely write new things because it demands so much mental effort. Struggle to connect with my characters - and with myself. Proffessionnals keep trying to convince me I'm not autistic and I just feel so very alone in the world right now. It's the kind of loneliness that comes from just having to fight for your rights (not to party, no) and having next to no support - or feeling like you have none. Ultimately, it's my fight, but oh my good gods am I ever so exhausted of fighting.
My mind has circled back to how tired I am of life in general, but in the sense of being tired of how I have to live it. With this constant tiredness and now a depression seeping in and it feels like no amount of positive vibes in any sense will help me. I know that's just the depression talking. I also know this, too, shall pass. It's while it's here that i'm crawling up the walls and wanting to scream.
I've been trying to stay productive through it all though, with allowing myself rest days when needed. Adding to Toyhouse regularly, just updating profiles. Working on some big stories even if I'm not happy with what i'm writing, but I know I can add to the parts later, when I feel better. I also tried to start selling stories, I mean I'm at the executive dysfunction stage right now because it's all new and I'm plagued with the anxieties of "no one will care" and "it's not a good story anyway there's no plot" and "what if it falls outside the guidelines for kofi and patreon" and oh my gods almighty is it so easy to screw yourself over like that. I've still not finished posting everything beyond the three first chapters on my Neocities. The full story will be available eventually. I'm just crippled by anxiety.
I really think I don't realize sometimes how much I carry at any given time, nor quite how it affects me mentally. There's a reason I'm in burnout, and that it is an autistic/life burnout. Definitely need the irl stress over with, and that'll end one way or another in March/early April. I'm legit considering looking for a therapist specialized in autism just because of that lonely feeling. And, rationally, because it'd help my disability hearing. I already saw a psychiatrist who at the second meeting went "can't help you further", so yeah. Very alone. Always have been, but now at least I know who I am, and that i'm neurologically impaired (at times).
Anyway. We've got an electrician coming soon and husband is moving my stuff so need to cut this short <<